Sometimes I run...rarely I write.

There is something symbiotic in the life of a distance runner who is secretly out to destroy himself.
If you are looking for a guide of how to be a self destructive runner follow these simple steps!

1) Be a big damn dude. Being a Clydesdale (marathon euphemism for "big fatty fat fat" (ladies you are "Athena"s)) so I get an additional 60-100 pounds over my marathoning brethren (who seem to be made entirely out of pipe-cleaners, papier-mache and awesome) so that means I get to try a whole lot damn harder.

2) Have over-ambitious goals. I got it in my head that I was going to run a 4:15 marathon as my 'pie in the sky goal' so when I crossed the finish line of my last marathon and the clock said "4:15:30" my first instinct was to say "%#(%" and completely forgot that at worst I had missed my goal by 30 seconds and that I probably hung out at the starting line for at least 30 seconds before I started. Regardless... if you want to be disappointed set your goals super high, because by 26.2 miles you will not have the wherewithal to judge what is and is not good.

3) compare yourself to your friends who are, but for a few genetic quirks, Greyhounds. Part of being in a running group is inspiring...being with like minded people who have no problem talking about seeping blisters, peeing on yourself during a race or chafing and bleeding in areas not typically associated therewith over a plate of pasta can be empowering. The flipside is when your running friends talk about their disappointment in their marathon time when it is equal to your 10K time. Sure you get over it...but in the moment there is definitely an internal monologue that goes something like " damn".


That's about it. You follow this simple guide and you too can be a self-destructive runner.

I should say that I am extremely pleased by my last marathon 4:14:27 thank you very much, but I know that that time will beget little niggling thoughts like "you know what would be awesome?" and I will say "what's that" and the niggling thought will say " if you beat your PR (personal record) by another 15 minutes" and I will say "you are right little niggling voice, I should do that" and will then resume my life as a glutton.

talk about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.